Credible Evidence of Our Savior II
by Clydefox
Summary: Not Intended for Christians.
1. The Second Coming

I wake up in a pile of manure. I'm not sure how I got here... There's a needle in my arm - looks like it was pushed all the way in.

I hear children laughing, and women carrying on about their business... so happy... so naive. My body has been numb for quite

some time now. I think it's been 3 - no, 4 hours since I first opened my eyes. Or maybe only a few minutes... either way, I

knew I couldn't just lie here forever... no, not forever...

A few more hours have passed now I think. I let out a deep sigh. Sweet lord I wish I could move... How did I get here? It

doesn't make any sense to me... Let me try to move a finger... FUCK!! Too much pain! Okay, okay... Try the other hand...

Success. I can feel a tingling sensation start to work it's way up my arm, into my shoulder, and across my chest... I can

move my head now. A few more minutes pass. I can feel. I can stand. I can live. Fuck YES. I try to walk... damn... knee deep

in cow shit. I eventually wiggle myself free, the sounds of sucking and flatulent sounds are all I can hear... I still have no

idea where I am... Is THIS hell?... No... it's too beautiful... Is this heaven? No. Ha! This is no fairy tale...

I wander aimlessly down alley ways and seemingly empty streets, the needle still protruding from my arm... It feels nice there...

I decide to walk into a local tavern, might as well take some of the edge off.

"Liquor." The first words I speak when I approach the bar. The bartender gives me a "go to hell" look... But sure as shit he pours me

a shot. "That's right bitch," I think to my self as finishes pouring me a shot. Half a millisecond later and the burn from the alcohol

has already subsided.

"Another," I tell him. He pours me another shot... before he can put the bottle back down I demand another. He pours it. I slam it. It's

about this time i realize a man staring me down from the end of the bar. I don't like this one bit. What the fuck does he want? Maybe

he's a fag... gross. I consider approaching him... but the thought is dismissed twice as quick as it was accumulated. Don't need him

going all fag on me, not after those three, - i slam another - four shots... I might vomit... wait, that might be funny. I approach him slowly.

I can feel his stare as I get closer and closer, like a barrage of bullets piercing every inch of my body he can see. I'm finally standing at

his feet, his eyes locked on mine... I tap him on the shoulder to get his attention.

"There a problem, friend?" he asks in an almost upsetting tone of voice.

"No problem..." I respond. "You some sort of fag?" I inquire modestly.

My sight goes red, and suddenly I find myself laying face-up on the ground. My nose hurts, so I touch it.. FUCK! More pain... and... blood?

What? Who put blood on MY nose? Probably that fag... Now the bartender is hovering above me, clearing insulting my intelligence by

asking me to count the two fingers he had up... Oh shit, no that's only one.. yes, one, I see it so clearly now. He helps me to my feet,

continuing to ask me silly questions which I pay no attention to, and saying something about police.. This frightens me. I hate pigs.

Almost as much as I hate Jews... Almost... Not two minutes later, and I'm wandering back down the alleys again, searching... for something.

I wonder what god masturbates to. Probably dead babies...

My eyes wince as the sun starts to rise... or is that the moon... Maybe I should take this needle out... No, it be fine. Just need to squeeze a

little more of "gods glory" into my veins... Ah, there we go. Now, back to what I was doing...

I wake up again, laying face-up... again... Only this time I feel fine. Fuck no, better than fine. I feel fantastic. That's some pretty powerful stuff.

I rise to my feet, and notice a sign in the window of an apartment in the alley. "G...G..God?" I speak aloud as I try to make sense of the word.

Why would someone have a sign that says "God" in there window? The curiosity alone drives me to further investigate. Room 9-1 1. It appears

the cheap apartment management can't afford to fix fallen number spacers on the apartment doors... I bet their terrorists. Fucking packys.

"Knock-Knock-knockknockknock--knock-knock" i laugh to myself as I knock, repeating the familiar saying in my head. I can feel someones eye

peering at me through the peep hole. It burns. "Who is it?" I hear him say in a familiar voice.

"I was just wondering about the sign in your window..." I tell him "Go away!" he shouts. I kick the door in, smashing his face in the process.

He rolls around on the ground screaming "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!" I ignore his cries, and walk towards the window with the sign... There's nothing

here? I whip around to demand answers from the man on the floor but, he's gone... And the door.. On it's hinges. How? What? Nawwwwww.

I feel a hand touch my shoulder and jerk around violently, slapping the person in the face on "accident." "Dad?" I barely manage to form the

word. "My son," He tells me, "You have many journeys ahead of you. You have done many good deeds, and caused many a bad man turn

good," at this point I have already shit myself. God.. The creator... My father... But wait... No, it couldn't be... Am I... 'Jesus'? Daaaammmn.

Bad ASS. "You need not fear death, or pain my son, for I am always with you, and will always protect you," What kind of bull shit? "I will always

be there to guide you in the dark, and comfort you when you are afraid. I only ask one thing of you my child..." I take a moment to decide

whether or not I want to hear anymore packy talk... "What is it that you ask of me father?" I guess I'll play along for now... "Love always,

without bias, without judgement, and without temptation"

"Even niggers?" I ask earnestly

"Even niggers."

I tell him I will do this for him. But what's the point of promising something if you can't piss someone off by breaking it? I mean seriously...

And so now I wander the earth, forever spreading love, hate, and semen over every man, woman, child, and mongoloid. Hoping one day to...

uhh... don't worry about it.


	2. Jesus : A Warriors Tale

Before the beginning of time... before existence even existed... before any matter was formed in the smallest proportion... There were only two. The good and the evil. God and the Devil. Stories of these origional "men" have been reproduced and contorted since life was first conceived. But i don't wish to bore you with stories of the modern day "boogie men" that the human race uses to try to scare people into being "good people". Is that what your lord almighty, your one and only savior "jesus" would want of you? Would a being of absolute good wish him to be portrayed as a manipulative dick? A pissed father with a drinking problem so to speak? Someone who will love you only if you decide to devote your time to being their bitch, only to die and be their bitch for eternity? You people disgust me. Eat shit, and die.

The story i wish to bless your conscience with is one of truth. A man, nay, perfection encased in human flesh, and his rise to power, along with his fall from grace.

Jesus (formally known as "Jesus") was born into a bucket of pig slog, fresh brewed with the remains of all the other animals. It was what would be equivilant to July 18th, -1276, and i can assure you, the village whore he fell out of was no virgin. No virgin indeed. The world was infested with sadness, anger, and siphilus. There is one thing i must tell you before i go any further... God is an asshole. God hates you (Don't feel bad, he hates everyone). He was the one who set forth these plagues upon the earth, and threw his son down to rot with the rest of us.

pause

If you have been offended thus far, you may want to quit reading now. It goes straight downhill from here. Ass.

end pause

Now to continue with the story. At this point God has forced his only son down to earth through the belly of a whore, and people are essentially pissed off, suicidal retards with genital infections. Oh how we've evolved... tee hee. Anyway, as you may have guessed - mary, the village whore, was no exception to having a genital infection or two, and thus jesus was born with many, many disfiguring scars and warts all over his body... especially his face. Mary's pimp was not satisfied with the fact that mary was pregnant. Not satisfied at all. No Beuno. Despite his dissatisfaction with this wench, he decided to let the child be born, untill he saw his face for the first time. "This retarded looking little fucker is a disgrace" he said as he beat mary with his right hand, while holding little new born "Jesus" over a cliff with his left, swinging him violently back and forth like a ragdoll. But then Mary, being the stupid little hooker she was, said something that made even "Jesus" shit in his fresh woolen diaper. "Go suck a donkey chode you shit-kicker." And with those final words, Mary's pimp dropped "Jesus" off of the cliff, picked up his womping stick, and slaughter Mary like she was a three-legged inbred.

Being that "Jesus" is the son of "the Creator", he did retain some of his power. And baby "Jesus" slowed his fall just before the water and proceeded to walk 3,000 miles across the ocean to the next patch of land. Being that it was a long, long walk, and jesus had to keep going back to where he came for more opium, when he reached the land he was destined for, he was much older. Like 18 or something like that. You may be asking yourself "Why didn't he just stay where he was and avenge his mother?" There's a simple answer for that. I'M TELLING THE STORY ASSHOLE. So fuck you. Besides, i wouldn't expect you to understand something that happend such a long time ago. They did things different then... Ass...

Now that "Jesus" finnaly reached his destination,... he decied to get more opium... but after that, he was met with a force the likes of which superman, batman, and the incredible hulk combined couldn't even leave a dent in, let alone defeat (But you have to understand who we're dealing with here... "Jesus" is a badass. He takes law into his own hands, and rips the throat out of those who oppose him... atleast). It was Lucifer. El diablo. The Devil. Satan. His hair is as red as the fires of hell themselves, His skin, extremely pale, nay, white, his face is smeared with the lipstick of the 10,000 whores of hell. His attire was one of pure evil - Yellow, red, and white... a full body suite, with a strange ingraving just over his left breast. "Jesus" knew at once who this man was. Because, "Jesus," as i have told you, is a badass. Nuff said.

With one swift sucker punch to the throat of "Jesus" with his nail driven baseball bat, the two were cast down to hell. "Jesus" shit himself. He had seen this place before whilst sleep walking across the ocean. He knew this places look. He knew the smell. He knew of the entricate tunnel system off to the side, with a fit of disease infested spheres near the bottom. Scared shitless, and greatly disturbed, jesus grabbed his propus-skin robe (which ofcourse he made on his way across the ocean to silence that annoying, ignorant, pudgey beast) from behind, and slid it through the crack of his ass. Freshly wiped, "Jesus" was restored with a feeling of confidence. He knew he must fight this Devil. And he knew that he must kick ass.

Satan, being the dick that he is, was the first to strike. With a crack of his whip, "Jesus"'s left arm was severed at the shoulder blade. "Jesus" was pissed. He wasn't going to stand for this. He picked up his arm, and proceeded to melt it back on with the hot iron plates of hell. Satan watched in bewilderment. "Is this asshole serious?" He asked himself. And before he could answer his own rhetorical question, "Jesus" kicked Satan in what little testicles he had with a lightning quick flying kick. The universe quaked. The Devil cried obscenities aloud. "Jesus" felt sorry for this pathetic being. So "Jesus" helped Satan to his feet, and sat him down in one of hells many swivel chairs. They proceeded to smoke a cocaine, marijuana, opium, meth mix and were trashed within seconds. But little did "Jesus" know, Satan pulled a Bill Clinton. He didn't inhale. With "Jesus" passed out and wasted on the floor, Satan proceeded in letting his hench men rape him, showing no mercy whatsoever. By the time the last henchman (an obese, violet skinned fellow) came inside of "Jesus" he had awaken, shocked and disturbed. He cried. He almost shit himself, but the dry semen inside the depths of his bowels would not permit it.

"These fuckers must die!" said "Jesus" to himself. And with that thought, "Jesus" brought down the wrath of heaven upon hell. Hell itself began to collapse, and demons squelled at the thouch of light. The sounds emmiting from hell were so powerful infact, that they reached the ears of those people who inhabit earth. Almost simontaniously, every single person on earth died from an acute case of their brains melting out of their nostrils.

Satan had been defeted. Hell was destroyed. "Jesus" approached the evil beings dead body with disgust. "We could have been allies you and i... Ronald McDonald, you shall always be one of my children."

With all evil diminished from this earth, a new world order was to be conducted. And thus "Jesus" walked the earth for thousands of years, ressurecting people one by one, hoping to restore the world to its former glory. Untill the day cocaine was illegalized.

He was last seen touring the country with The Grateful Dead. He is presumed dead. If you have any CREDIBLE evidence of the whereabouts of "Jesus" Christ, please, tell him to get off his ass. 


End file.
